When High Standards Start to Hurt: Understanding Perfectionism
Therapy is often associated with visible distress—feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or unable to cope.
Yet many people who are struggling don’t look that way at all. They’re high-achieving, self-controlled, and outwardly “fine,” while internally feeling isolated or quietly struggling with anxiety or depression.
We often assume therapy is for those who feel like they’re falling apart—overwhelmed by their thoughts or emotions or are in chaos.
But what about the people who never fall apart? The ones who stay in control, meet expectations, and keep everything running—while quietly feeling disconnected, lonely, anxious, or down inside.
If that’s you, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to keep carrying it by yourself.
Some of the most common struggles are less visible—perfectionism, emotional disconnection, and internal distress hidden behind a high-functioning exterior.
What Perfectionism Really Looks Like
Perfectionism is often praised in our culture. It can look like achievement, discipline, and success. But beneath the surface, it often carries a different experience:
A constant fear of making mistakes
Harsh self-criticism, even after success
Difficulty relaxing or feeling “off-duty”
Rigid routines or expectations
Struggles with vulnerability or asking for help
Operating a punish/reward system
Over time, perfectionism can quietly erode your sense of joy, connection, and emotional well-being. You may appear composed and capable to others, while internally feeling isolated, exhausted, or never quite “good enough.”
Perfectionism can show up at any age; children, adolescents, or adults can experience the pressure that comes from attempting to meet unreasonably high standards or expectations. These patterns often develop early—shaped by temperament, environment, and reinforcement—and can evolve over time into rigid ways of thinking, relating, and evaluating self-worth. In younger individuals, this may look like fear of making mistakes or intense distress around school performance, while in adults it often shows up as chronic self-criticism, burnout, or difficulty feeling satisfied despite achievements.
The Hidden Cost: Disconnection
Many perfectionistic individuals don’t just struggle with too high standards—they struggle with emotional openness.
You might notice:
Feeling disconnected from your own emotions
Difficulty expressing needs or letting others in
Relationships that feel surface-level or effortful
A sense that you’re always “performing” rather than being
This pattern is sometimes called overcontrol—a coping style where self-discipline and emotional restraint become so strong that they limit flexibility, spontaneity, and connection.
The Connection between Perfectionism and Eating Disorders
Research consistently shows a strong link between perfectionism and eating disorders, particularly in individuals with high levels of self-control and sensitivity to mistakes. For many people, perfectionism doesn’t stay contained to school, work, or achievements—it can also show up in their relationship with food and body. The same drive to “get it right” can turn into strict food rules, body checking, or feeling like you’ve failed after small changes in eating or appearance. What starts as trying to be disciplined or healthy can slowly become exhausting and all-consuming, increasing the risk of developing an unhealthy relationship with food or even an eating disorder.
“If I’m Not Perfect, Won’t Everything Fall Apart?”
It’s common for perfectionism to come with deeply rooted fears like: “If I don’t try to be perfect, I’ll do a bad job,” or “If I’m not giving 100% all the time, what’s the point?”, or “If I’m not the best at something, people won’t like me.”
These thoughts make sense—especially in a culture that often rewards high standards, productivity, and achievement. For many people, perfectionism didn’t come out of nowhere; it was reinforced, encouraged, and even praised.
But there’s an important distinction: high standards are not the problem—rigidity is.
Therapy for perfectionism doesn’t take away your drive, your goals, or your sense of responsibility. Instead, it helps you build flexible and realistic standards—so you can still care deeply about what you do, without tying your worth to flawless performance. In fact, research and lived experience both show that flexibility often leads to more sustainable success, not less.
You don’t have to choose between excellence and well-being. You can have both.
A Different Approach: Radically Open DBT
If you relate to anything written above, you’re exactly who Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO-DBT) is designed for.
This specialized, evidence-based treatment focuses on helping individuals who are highly self-controlled (highly perfectionistic) learn how to become more open, flexible, and connected—without losing the strengths that have helped them succeed.
This group may be a good fit for individuals who:
Struggle with perfectionism or rigid expectations of themselves
Feel emotionally shut down or disconnected
Have difficulty relaxing or “letting go”
Find it hard to build or maintain close relationships
How RO-DBT Helps
Rather than focusing only on managing intense emotions, RO-DBT works on expanding emotional expression and social connection.
In RO-DBT, you’ll learn how to:
1. Loosen Rigid Thinking
Perfectionism often thrives on “all-or-nothing” thinking. RO-DBT helps you develop flexibility—so mistakes feel tolerable, not catastrophic. A technique called self-enquiry helps open curious and learning pathways allowing you to more quickly adapt to mistakes or changes in expectations.
2. Increase Emotional Awareness and Expression
Instead of shutting down or pushing through, you’ll build skills to notice, understand, and communicate emotions more openly. It builds trust within yourself.
3. Practice Radical Openness
This means being open to new experiences, feedback, and uncertainty—even when it feels uncomfortable. It’s a powerful antidote to perfectionism.
4. Strengthen Authentic Connection
RO-DBT emphasizes social signaling—subtle ways we communicate openness and approachability. These skills help deepen relationships and reduce feelings of isolation.
5. Find Balance Without Losing Control
You don’t have to give up your goals, discipline, or high standards. RO-DBT helps you keep those strengths—while adding flexibility, joy, and connection.
You Don’t Have to Keep Holding It All Together Alone
Perfectionism can be hard to recognize because it often looks like success, and it is often reinforced. But if your inner experience feels rigid, lonely, or exhausting, it may be time for a different approach.
RO-DBT helps people develop more flexibility, openness, and deeper connection—without losing their sense of control.
If you’ve spent years “pushing through” or holding yourself to impossible standards, therapy at The Current can offer something new: a way to feel both grounded in who you are and connected to the people around you. Reach out to us today to schedule an appointment to begin working on perfectionism!
Still unsure if RO-DBT could benefit you? Take our quiz to see if you have perfectionistic or overcontrolled coping styles!